Marriage is such a gift. Even though we’re only at the very beginning of the rest of our lives together, I realized that after the last (nearly) 6 years, I’ve learned a thing or two about marriage. I’m far from an expert – but I do have a few things I’d love to share with you. Hopefully they’ll be an encouragement and helpful guide as you navigate this beautiful gift God has given you.
1. Take time to be together – without screens or other distractions.
I think as millennials across the board, we spend a lot of time in front of screens and tend to be heavily occupied by them. There’s something powerful in recognizing this addiction, acknowledging that it’s an issue, stepping away from screens, and spending intentional time together.
I understand that it’s nice to veg and watch Netflix with your spouse. But if you’re anything like me, you won’t remember all the specific moments and episodes of your favorite TV show, even though you’ve seen it ten-times through (Friends, anyone)? What I do remember, is the one time Daniel and I rode our bikes for 13 miles in the summer heat. Or when we decided to read Chip and Joanna’s book, The Magnolia Story, together and laugh at how relatable they are. These are the moments I will remember and cherish.
So what does this look like for you? I know for a lot of couples this means going out on date nights to have solo time together. For Daniel and I, it usually means hang time together at home, doing something simple. Depending on our schedule and the season, that could mean going on a walk or a bike ride, playing a board game (our favorite is Settlers Of Catan), cooking together, or getting in some extra cuddle time together (which ranges from an intimate sessions to my-abs-hurt-from-so-much-laughter kind of cuddles). These simple moments are my favorite. They are the ones I will cherish and carry with me through all my days.
2. Communicate with one another.
This will look different for every couple, but I think one of the best things Daniel and I have actively done for our marriage is pursue open communication. Sure, hard conversations aren’t easy to have and you need to be delicate with how these topics are brought up, but it’s important to have those conversations. On the other side of the coin, it’s also okay to have smaller conversations that communicate a simple idea. Sometimes I find that for us, a lot of little conversations are more productive in the long run.
A “simple idea” example: I hate the sound of when someone clips their fingernails. It drives me nuts! One day I realized I was getting annoyed with Daniel because he would clip his fingernails (for what felt like ten minutes) and I would get mad at him. But to him, he wasn’t intentionally being annoying, and it wasn’t fair that I was mad at him over something he didn’t know about. Even if it was something I felt was “obviously annoying,” I find it’s better to just communicate this to your spouse.
So one day I told him, “Hey, I know it’s weird, but I really hate the sound of when you clip your fingernails.” So now anytime he is about to do it, he lets me know and I go into another room for a few minutes (or ten).
Yes, it’s that simple. In fact, you might think it’s not a big deal because it’s something small. But a lot of little annoyances (and lack of communicating them) can lead to big frustrations. So it’s better to just talk out the little things. And the big things.
Even if you need to dedicate a night for talking through hard things, do that. Or if you need to set a timer and share a talking stick (where the other can’t interrupt) then do that! Find what works for both of you, and keep pursuing open communication with one another.
3. When you’re angry, take a break in another room.
One of the most harmful things you can do is speak to your spouse (or anyone) when you’re angry. Everyone handles anger differently, but I know that it’s never a good idea to voice your frustrations when your emotions are exceptionally high. For me, I try to go into another room, calm down (or cry it out) and pray. Then when my heart rate and emotional state are more level, I can come back and have a conversation… Or sometimes, I just come back and apologize, and give Daniel a hug.
If it’s something that’s still really bothering me, I’ll write it in my journal and give it to God. This is a great exercise of letting go of frustrations, and in a way that’s private and not harmful to others. Journaling is a great way to write and release a lot of built up emotions, in a healthy way. Plus, it always helps me process thoughts later on, especially if it’s on a topic that I need to confront someone about (like my hubby) at a later time.
4. Be the first to forgive.
This isn’t easy, but I believe when Jesus told us to forgive others 7 x 77 times , we need to keep on forgiving. When you’re the first to forgive, it makes it a lot easier to forget and move on. When you’re no longer holding onto a grudge, you’re able to move past the mishap. Maybe it was something big, or small, but either way, it is imperative to not let anger and frustration fester in your marriage.
Plus, I’ve found in my life, that there’s an overwhelming sense of peace when you let forgiveness be your first reaction. Unfortunately, this reaction isn’t as innate as I want it to be. I feel like I’m constantly retraining and fighting for this to be my first go-to, but it’s such a beautiful thing to do, experience and pursue.
5. Pray together. Read Scripture together. Worship together.
This one might be like a “duh” on the list, but if you’re like me, it’s a duh that’s easier said than done. While we have the best intentions, it’s easy to sleep in a little extra in the morning and not take time to read God’s word, or forget to pray together before bed. Whatever the excuse is, this is something that is worth fighting for and worth pursuing.
One of my favorite resources as a wife is this book: The Power of a Praying® Wife. It’s a GAME CHANGER! I cannot stress how much I highly recommend it. It has greatly impacted my perspective and our marriage, and I’m so thankful I found this resource. In short: the book is filled with specific prayers to pray over your husband. You *insert hubby’s name here* and it has a lot of great prompt for how to pray over areas that you might have otherwise not had the words for.
I also just found out there’s a condensed version with the devotionals and prayers only. So if you’re not much of a reader, and just needing something short and sweet – here’s the book: The Power of a Praying® Wife Book of Prayers.
Without going into too much details – two years ago I read through this book and prayed a lot of big prayers over Daniel. I learned that instead of nagging him constantly (which despite what you might think, this does not work) and instead I prayed about issues that I thought were important. Over the last two years I’ve seen God faithfully answer prayers (in His timing) and I literally bust out BEAMING whenever one of these prayers comes true! Daniel often gives me a weird look, and I just continue smiling and tell him that God just answered a prayer and a longing in my heart 🙂
6. Have alone time – without the spouse.
I didn’t believe in this one for a long time. My husband is my best friend, and I truly LOVE spending as much time with him as possible! Sometimes, I think we might like each other a little too much (which can actually be bad – but that’s a topic for another time). Anyways, it’s hard for us to spend time apart from one another.
However, I’ve learned that it is important to have time for ourselves, and by ourselves. This looks different for Daniel and I – Daniel likes to binge watch YouTube videos, and I love to read (a book in a day, ideally) and hang out with girlfriends, usually at a coffee shop (bonus if there’s a lavender latte involved).
These are small things, but it’s important to take time to pour into ourselves instead of only pouring into each other. I’m still learning how to take care of myself, so I can best take care of others. But even as I figure it out, I’m thankful for small absences from my husband – because as they say, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”
7. Find out each other’s love languages.
You might roll your eyes, but the love languages book literally changed my life. My family took it when I was in high school, and it was so eye opening to see that each of us had a different love language! It helped us better communicate our love (and frustrations) with one another in a way that strongly spoke to the other person.
You can take this test (or read this book) to find out your results.
Daniel’s love language is acts of service – so that means I try to do things that I know will make him smile. Whether that means doing his laundry, cooking him his favorite meal, or doing the dishes (one of his default chores) these little acts of kindness are speaking straight to his heart!
And the same goes for me – my love language is words, so Daniel will write me little love notes and leave them for me around our room, or in other places where I’ll find them. Sometimes he’ll write me an email or a really sweet text message, if he hasn’t written a physical note in awhile. However he does it, these intentional acts makes my heart swoon every time!
These are simple little things, that if you do them frequently enough, compound and make a really big impact!
8. Find other couple friends (with similar goals and values).
When we were first married (at the ripe ages of 21 and 22) we were still in college. We didn’t have (or know) many couple friends, let alone married friends, and it definitely made us feel like outsiders. While we loved our single friends and hanging out with them, it’s definitely a different vibe. It’s hard to connect on matters of the heart when our difficulties/priorities look different than that of our single friends.
So as the years went by, and our friends started getting married, we found out what it was like to have “married friends” – and it’s so amazing! It’s fun talking about different aspects of your life, having someone to go to and ask questions, and really just having common ground with another couple on issues they’ve experience and understand.
Additionally, it’s important to have married friends that encourage you. Ones that point you closer to Christ, and thus closer to each other. It’s scary how much your environment can influence you (for the positive or negative), and so it’s incredibly important to surround yourself with like-minded couples who can encourage you through this difficult, but oh so beautiful thing called marriage!
9. My favorite tip: Notice the little things and store them in your heart.
The best marriage advice I have ever received is from my sweet mentor, Becky. She encouraged me to store in my heart every time Daniel did something sweet, “right,” special, etc. She said if I made this a practice, and continued doing it everyday, soon I would notice more of what Daniel was doing well, and not nit-picking all the little things that I found bothersome.
To further explain – I’m a visual person, so I created this visual in my mind:
There’s a brand new, silver bucket in my heart, and that’s where I store all the treasures from Daniel. Every time he says something sweet, looks at me with those eyes, gives my hand a squeeze, a kiss on the cheek, or compliments my butt… Whatever it is, that’s one heart in the bucket. Before I know it, the bucket is overflowing with tons of little heart nuggets from my sweet man! And that might just be from this week 😉
Then, the inevitable happens. We’re human, and we’re not perfect. Daniel does something that frustrates me, and so one of the hearts from the bucket is removed. I now have the choice to focus on that one lost heart, and let my frustrations fester… Or I can choose to look at the thousands of hearts in the bucket, all the amazing things he has done. I do my best to choose the latter option. This helps me release any anger or frustration quickly, and also forgive Daniel at a quick pace.
The above is a mental exercise, but for me it has been a powerful one. It’s been a game changer choosing to focus on all the things he does well, and not focus on the occasional mistake. I mean, if God gives us grace and is willing to accept us despite the thousands of sins we commit everyday, who am I to judge my sweet hubby?
10. Final tip: Have fun & enjoy the moment.
It’s easy to get caught up in busy schedule, the hills and valleys we go through, work issues and family/friends problems. Those things aren’t bad, nor should they be ignored! But I know for Daniel and I, sometimes we can get so caught up in life, that we forget to just enjoy the moment.
For example, we look forward to becoming parents one day, but that time hasn’t come for us. Instead of just spending all our time dreaming up what that will look like, we try to instead focus on this season of being a family of 2. I do believe God put good desires in our hearts for the future, but I don’t want to be so caught up in dreaming about the future that I forget to soak up quality time in our current moment.
So have fun! Even if you’re in a difficult season, praise God for letting you have someone to walk this road with and hold your hand.
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Well, I think that’s all for now! Hope this list has been helpful and perhaps encouraged you, even if in a small way.
I’d love to know – what are a few tips and tricks you’ve learned over the years (whether through personal experience or watching someone you love be in love?) Leave a comment and let me know!
P.S. Made this little doodle to commemorate the snow-covered world we woke up to this morning. It was such a dream! All these photos are from our photoshoot. So thankful for a hubby who was willing to stand in 17 degrees with my tripod and let me snap a few shots of us together to remember this lovely (and rare) Southern snow day.
